I think your essay is wonderful! You said your opinion in your first paragraph, then stated why in the next ones. Also the big if is pretty cool. Keep on writing essays and lapses will be corrected. Try to proofread and check the spelling so that it will be better.
Your essay answer is very strong and detailed. I personally think it was a good idea to start off with your opinion and then brace the rest of the essay with facts. good job.
