It's looking ok, but you need to work on it a little bit....Have you tried grammarly yet? It will proofread your essay and tell you what is misspelled and what needs to be fixed. Google docs also works but it is not the very best....I personally put your essay on grammarly and there was a lot of words that needed to be corrected or changed and some didn't even need to be there.... Also.. read this outloud to yourself and see if it sounds good. I like to do that myself to see what it sounds like to see if i have mistaken anything. And one last thing. Read it to someone else. You don't have to but It will help you and someone else will also give you their opinion. just remember. when you read an essay, put emotion into it. That might sound crazy but it works. Trust me.
