Question

I have a hard time identifying what needs revision. To me it's fine but obviously, it's not or I wouldn't have to revise it. Any tips or hints?
This journal entry requires you to review the rough draft of the essay that follows. As you analyze the draft according to each of the areas listed, identify what needs revision. For each area, explain why and how you would change the draft. (4 paragraphs, 5 sentences each)

Analyze the essay’s
■ Purpose and audience—Can you clearly identify the audience and the purpose of the essay?
■ Thesis statement, topic sentences, and paragraphs—Is there a clear thesis statement? Are there paragraphs with topic sentences?
■ Evidence—Has the author provided enough evidence to support the main idea of the essay?
■ Organization—Are the author’s points organized well enough for a reader to follow easily? Rough Draft: Email vs. Letters

ESSAY:
Instead of using emails, mail a letter to your grandparents, an aunt or uncle, or another role model who’s older than you are. We live in a fast-paced world. We use computers to send emails and instant messages. Some, though, don’t live in that time zone. Forget all the fonts, emoticons, and abbreviations like LOL. You point and click, but some people want to hold something, unwrap a letter, and smell it. A crayoned picture smells and feels special; no scanner can do that. People’s senses want to be used. We live in a physical world, not a digital one. People can touch some- thing that’s mailed. Sometimes it’s as if touching the ink or pencil on paper helps them touch the writer. A picture can be held and used in so many ways. For example, I get to see how my grand- kids’ handwriting is changing as they grow. I know how they feel just from the way they write the words.
A letter gives someone the real thing. A letter exists in time and space. Even if someone emails you regularly, the surprise of a mailed letter provides something to cherish rather than to be deleted. Of course, family and friends may like getting through the Internet a photograph of you on the day of a special event. However, a printed photograph can be put into an album or used for a bookmark or posted on the refrigerator for regular review. They don’t have to worry about color cartridges or paper because you’ve given them what they need in the mail. Though they may have a hard time reading your handwriting, a letter is a tangible way to remind them that you care enough to take the time and effort to communicate with them and them alone.
The convenience and efficiency of computers can’t be matched by regular postal service. However, they sometimes bleep and blurp in a frustrating conversation, one that older persons can’t always hear or understand. One wrong click here and another there can mean mass destruction. They may get a paper cut from your letter, but even sucking on a finger while reading makes their experience more memorable and satisfying. The cut heals; the letter remains alive.

Answer 1

Well it is quite obvious to me that the very first sentence is most definitely a run-on sentence gone wrong and derailed itself try to add more periods in there or take some of those unnecessary words out of there.

Hope this helps buddy!<span />