The single most important thing we need in life if we’re to be happy is healthy boundaries. Before I studied this concept in my therapy training, I didn’t know anything about boundaries, and it showed. I was overly sensitive, defensive, worried about what people thought of me, and highly challenged in following my own heart and intuition — glomming on to what others thought and advised. I also attracted a good deal of negative behavior into my life from people who took advantage or mistreated me. Once I worked on my boundaries, however, all that changed.
Boundaries are the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems, and they regulate the flow of input and information between you and the outside world. When your boundaries are overly diffuse, you’re “enmeshed” with others – unable to discern where you end and others begin. When your boundaries are rigid and impermeable, you’re “disengaged” – lacking healthy and appropriate connection with others or your own life. The key is find balance – to be healthily engaged with others but solid enough in your own skin, with your own thoughts, beliefs and self-worth that you can navigate through life knowing who you are and what you want, and advocating effectively for that without it being a constant struggle. The best way to determine if your boundaries are healthy is to think about your life and career ask yourself, “Am I living someone else’s definition of life and success, or my own?”
