Alright, so there is a spelling error when Twilite says: "I do'nt need protection." It was probably just a typing error. :-) Also, usually Twilight is spelled like "Twilight" and not "Twilite", but if you want to make it look interesting and different, that's okay too.
Who is may? It states, "(May's first twilite)". If you are talking about it being Twilight's first May, then that's a different story, but how that is stated makes me think there is a whole new character I'm not aware of.
Never start a new sentence with the word "and" - <span>" 'I miss my mother! And I'm not immortal like you and mom!". I would change the sentence to: "I'm not immortal like you and mom; I miss her!" When Twilight is talking about her not being immortal it makes the readers believe that she DOES care about it, but then it turns around when </span>she says that she DOESN'T care. I would suggest rewriting that to clarify in advance. Maybe saying something like, "Although I don't care about not being immortal, I can't live forever and I would like to find love before I die."
Any time a quote has punctuation at the end of it's sentence, you need to make the following word's first letter upper case. For example, "Thank you!' she squeals" The S in she should be capitalized. I would also rephrase the sentences "she squeals. she summons her best friend, Juliette. She is a fallen angel" Maybe you could change it to, " She squeals with delight and then summons her best friend, Juliette, who is a fallen angel"
After every quote, you usually put "she says/asks" so I would suggest using different words or statements; it can get every confusing when trying to understand who is talking and is very repetitive.
"A lot" is two words, "Maybe poof but not alot of poof.' " These sentences don't have to be separate, "The woman puts it back. She digs for another dress. Twilite looks around." You could change them to, "While the woman puts the dress back, she begins to search for another dress while Twilight looks around the store". As the same with these sentences, "<span>Then, she sees it. 'That one. I want that one." You can combine "That one. I want that one" to "That one, I want that one!" Also, there is no need for a comma after the "That" but move it to after the "it" and before the quote.
When saying "in it" it makes the readers think the lady is helping Twilight get into the dressing </span>room, I would suggest changing the wording there to make it easier to understand. I would put a "while" instead of a comma at, "<span>she says, hiding a large black". It would help the sentence flow more smoothly. You could change "you are done" to "when you're done".
Overall, I think you did a very good job on this! There were only little fixes here and there. Great job! :-)
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Johann Christian Bach was a galant-style German composer of Italian opera during the early Classical period, and the youngest son of famed Baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach.
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