Question

Can you analyze my very short essay plz??? I really need help!!!! I need to explain why I would like to participate on a field trip and only four are selected!!!!!!!!!
Taking part in the field trip to Catalina Island would be like a dream come true for me and undoubtedly an unforgettable experience. Ever since my first year of middle school, I have set my mind into pursuing a STEM career as a future living. Science, technology (I take both a computer science and programming class), and math were always my top subjects, but I always saw science as my dominant interest. I’m totally fond of learning about any kind of science; earth, life, physical, chemical, even the science behind how things work; I don’t care, I just want to be part of the learning. Whether it was learning about mitosis, how tectonic plates cover earth, working with microscopes, conducting lab experiments, I always considered myself fortunate to see science in a way few people do, not just a bunch of facts you need to memorize to pass your next exam, but a way of thinking. Science has always been there to quench my hunger for learning, and going on this memorable and amazing field trip will really help me experience what it is like to be a true scientist at work and meet new friends. Me and my family go to La Jolla basically all the time and I’ve gotten to go to the Scripps Birch Aquarium and touch some of the creatures there. If touching some of the tide pool creatures there was something I would consider awesome, I can’t imagine how remarkable it would be to go on this once-in-a-lifetime experience in which I’ll be able to snorkel for the first time, make friends, explore the geography of the island, and see many marine creatures. And believe me, I find the protection of our planet very important now that global warming is greatly destroying the habitats of many animals such as polar bears and causing all the hurricanes we’ve been having lately. Keeping our beaches clean is especially important when almost 80% of all species live in the ocean and all the trash and sewage pollution, including fishing nets and harsh chemicals, are greatly impacting a great number of species and essentially removing fundamental aquatic elements. I would like sincerely thank Mrs. Brice for granting us the opportunity to participate in this amazing field trip that will help us learn and experience nature and science in an unforgettable way, open doors, and become the future thinkers of our generation.

Answer 1

Hi,
Overall its a great essay. I would correct a couple things with grammar and punctuation. I would write it in a more professional format because you competing for a spot, a once in a lifetime opportunity. The content is great. If you need some pointers let me know. I hope you get selected.