Answer:
I think it is great! I like how you used transitional words. I liked that you used evidence. But you need a claim. Like : I plan to prove that video games are harmful to American people. Or something like that. You have a counterclaim which is good but no claim. You also need a thesis. I will give you an outline and see if your essay fits into it. It is what my English teacher gave me to use. You can use it or you don't have to, but I would ask your teacher if you could use it just to be sure.
Explanation:
Good luck!!
mproving Idea Development
Is there a clear claim?
Are examples and explanations used to prove the claim?
Is the main point of each paragraph clear?
Is each point adequately explained and supported with details from the text of the play?
Is each paragraph clearly related to the main idea?
Is there enough information to support the claim?
Are the counterclaims clear and logical?
Does the essay effectively refute each counterclaim?
Enhancing Organization
Is there a clear and purposeful organizational pattern?
Does each paragraph connect logically to the previous one?
Do transitions connect ideas within and between paragraphs?
Refining Word Choice
Are the words clear and precise?
Is the tone consistent?
Improving Sentence Variety
Are the sentences clear and direct?
Are quotations introduced?
Do any sentences have to be reread to make sense of them?
Are the sentences varied in length?
Are sentence beginnings varied?
Could any short sentences be improved by combining them?
Could any long sentences be made more concise?
