In the first sentence, “ I don’t know what time it was outside at the time” is very awkward. (Time is said more than once and you need to remove it) (outside is also said more than once) I would suggest changing the first sentence completely. Maybe to “ As I wandered around outside the palace, I lost track of the time. A beautiful lake had caught my eye.” Sentence two contains passive voice which is generally looked down upon in writing. Sentence two also is almost a run-on sentence. (Some teachers might count it, others might not) I would still suggest changing it. Your use of transitional phrases is pretty low, which makes the whole piece choppy. (/a strong use of “and”) I suggest going through the entire thing and using stronger words, just to advance the writing. (Example: instead of using “loud” use “clamorous”) (it seems pretentious but trust me the person grading won't think so) It's a good start, however, I would suggest going through and really being a huge stickler on some of the sentences. If it's possible, maybe try having multiple people read it over. Different people see different things. Hope this helped!
Firstly, i think it will be better to say Wandering outside, instead of wandering around outside.
Secondly, "we've never met before" is a better term than we've never before met.
Thirdly, Expressions aren't included e.g If he thinks I am staying in this dreadful place he is surely mistaken,” turning my face away with hands akimbo I replied in a sulky voice “He abducted me and ...
The inference I can make is that since the people in the annex started to run out of food so they started to divide it even more which can cause trouble since some want more than others.
