Read the two paragraphs representing a first draft and a revision of a narrative about making a difficult choice.First Draft: I
will never forget the day I got my dog at the animal shelter. I felt terrible for the dogs and cats behind the glass. I saw Bandit right away. He was a small brown and black terrier mix who came right to me as the shelter employee opened the door to his cage.Revision: I will never forget the day I rescued my dog from the animal shelter. My heart broke for the dogs and cats behind the glass. I spotted Bandit right away. He was a small brown and black terrier mix who bounded into my arms as the shelter volunteer released him from his cage.What types of descriptive language strengthen the revision?
Active voice and better descriptive verbs were used to strengthen the descriptive language.
Explanation:
Passive voice, using helping verbs, was used in the first draft. By using active voice (action verbs) in a more descriptive manner, the revision was much more moving, descriptive, appealing, and interesting. For example, "felt terrible" was changed to "heart broke", and "saw" was changed to "spotted".
