Question

In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.
Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches. I am glad I learned to swim at the beach.

Answer 1

The paragraph is beyond choppy and uncomfortable to read because of it. There are too many short sentences and not enough complex ones, making it hard to follow any kind of flow the paragraph has the potential to offer. Because there were no transitions of any kind, it was hard to try and smoothly combine topics. For example, the first two sentences seem abrupt and confusing standing on their own like that. The narrator went from loving swimming to randomly speaking about the beach, and it was hard to follow until you got to the end of the second sentence, understanding then where the connection was between the two. It is hard to even figure out if the paragraph is about swimming or about the beach, and nothing was incorporated smoothly.

There are tons of things to do at local beaches, and people should spend more time at them instead of hanging out indoors all day. The beach offers a place to develop strong swimming skills, and learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. I am glad I learned to swim at the beach.

Rearranging the way beaches and a love for swimming were introduced allow for it to be more easy to understand.