The addition that would make the paragraph more objective and effective is the use of facts and statistics to support the anecdote.
Explanation:
The paragraph that is presented only uses the emotional trigger by telling a story that can make people feel empathy but in order to make it more objective and effective it is necessary to use a logical approach instead of an emotional one, then the use of statistics and the addition of provable facts will make it more functional at being unbiased.
