I thought it was really good! Definitely an A or a B but maybe you should take out the last part that’s says “oh all right then I guess we’ll share the girl.”
I can not write all that again because I do not have the time but you have to delete words/sentences that aren't that important to the text. And for the last comment your teacher made try reading it again check if you misspelled and if you do not understand a sentence that delete it or make it better.
