Question

The following wordy, inefficient, and disorganized e-mail message invites department managers to three interviewing sessions to select student interns. However, to be effective, this message desperately needs a radical rewrite.
Your Task. Study the e-mail message and the list of ten weaknesses below the message. Then revise the message to correct each weakness. You revision needs to condense this sloppy 14-sentence message into 6 efficient sentences plus a list, and convey all the necessary information. Make all of your corrections directly to the message.

To: Management Staff
From: Nathan Weintraub

Subject: Interns
Staff:

As you may be aware, we have for the past year been considering changing our approach to interns. Your management council recently made a decision to offer compensation to the interns in our internship program because we learned that in two fields (computer science and information systems) interns are usually paid, which is the norm. However, we will be unable to offer any more than three internships.

In collaboration with our nearby college, we have narrowed the field to six excellent candidates. These six candidates will be interviewed. This is to inform you that you are required to attend three interviewing sessions for these student candidates. Your presence is needed at these sessions to help us avoid making poor selections.

You should mark your calendars for the following three times. We are scheduling the first set of interviews for April 5 to meet in the conference room. Please examine all the candidates’ résumés, which are attached, and send me your ranking lists.

The second interviewing session is scheduled for April 8 in Office 22 (the conference room was already scheduled). On April 11 we can finish up in the conference room. All of the meetings will start at 2 p.m. In view of the fact that your projects need fresh ideas and talented new team members, I should not have to urge you to attend and be well prepared.

Nathan Weintraub
Director, Human Resources

1. Does not provide a helpful subject line.
2. Starts indirectly with an explanation instead of the main idea: scheduling interviews.
3. Fails to develop reader benefits, such as explaining why the readers should be interested.
4. Sounds negative (unable to offer; avoid making poor selections; should not have to urge you).
5. Buries a verb (made a decision instead of decided).
6. Has a long lead-in (This is to inform you that).
7. Suffers from flabby expression (in view of the fact that), other wordiness, repetition, and a demanding tone.
8. Fails to make the interview dates and rooms highly readable with a list.
9. Inserts request (send me your ranking lists) in the middle of a paragraph instead of at the end of the message where action items should go.
10. Does not include an end date and reason for returning the ranking lists.

Answer 1

Explanation:

Since the list of ten weaknesses  has been provided, the sample rewrite based on the needed corrections provided could read;

To: Management Staff

From: Nathan Weintraub

Subject: Invitation to attend interviewing sessions.

"Management would love to invite you to three interviewing sessions for the selection of internship students.

Because of proven expertise and years of experience working in this company, management deems you fit to make the best selection for the company. Hence, we are thus confident that you would give this task your best....."