Is the word "that" the italicized word?
They: evoke an emotional response, appeal to the readers' sense of logic, and also help the reader avoid seeming biased to readers. Rhetorical appeals use pathos, logos, and ethos to persuade the reader.
I think maybe, the issue is the lack of emotional resonance, and the use of terms like “or anything”. Younger people tend to use these terms, and have less power in the emotional realm, at least when it comes to expressing themselves. So, maybe try lessening the terms that are flounce-y and deepen the emotional aspect of this essay, possibly? Just suggestions from an outside eye, good luck!
