omggg why is people on here sooo talanted .. rose had alot going on try using more suspense to really grab the readers attention... also throw curve balls so it wouldn't be too predictable... don't be shy to make some people mad ...when you end the story make an unpredictable ending
I didn't read the whole thing, but maybe say sumthing like "When he opened his eyes he couldn't see anything due to the darkness, he noticed a smell that he could desribe as... (for example) a very unpleasant smell..." , cause you're putting too many "and"'s in one sentence. Just try not to put too many "and"'s in a sentence and make sure you use commas!
