Question

In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.
Playing in the snow is one of my happiest childhood memories. The winter offers more than a time for kids to have fun. There are many things to do in the snow. It is unfortunate that so many people find the wintertime annoying. More people should step outside to enjoy the snow. I am glad I grew up where it snows.

Answer 1

I think this paragraph is wrong because it says so many times snow i would changes that and also i will change a few adjectives. The most wrong part is that the paragraph use so many points instead of comas so my passage will be: 
Playing in the snow was one of my favorites things to do on my childhood, The winter give us more time to have fun. There's so many fun things to do on winter, but so many people find it annoying, Most of the people just want to stay on their home instead of go outside and play with the snow, I'm happy to grew and play with snow