Explanation: I can't define the exact answer u may be wanting but off of my own experience i can tell that u may be experiencing some type of anxiety. I have a blue pen as well that iv'e been fidgeting with and it broke. At the moment i'm trying to practice crocheting which is helping me a lil. Im also going through a family crisis since last friday which isn't helping me but i feel that i can get through it hopefully.
it seems like you're having a panic attack, I suggest taking deep long breaths. think about something relaxing and since you're using that pen- try to fidget with it slowly so it helps calm down your heart. other things to fidget with are your hair, maybe the rings on your fingers, maybe tap your foot.
