Question

Below is an essay I'm submitting for college!! It's not even 200 words. Can someone please tell me what to improve on. Grammerly says I sound like a Freshman, and I need to sound like a Senior. PLEASE HELP. 20 Points.
While touring Stetson, I fell in love. Being established in DeLand, I felt the small town and distance away from home was perfect for me. Having so many different dorm options is also very important. Different from the University of Florida and Florida State University, Stetson has all-female dorms. I am not anti-men or anything, but I would feel more comfortable living in the all-female dorm. The inviting environment was merely one attribute that attracted me to Stetson. The numerous on-campus job opportunities also seemed like something I do not want to miss. I also heard about all the different options to gain internship experience. My goal is to become a criminal attorney, and I am very interested in the Pre-Law program. Based on my interests, I am curious about the scholarships I could hopefully receive. Currently, I am striving to obtain my AICE diploma and Bright Futures Scholarship. I was glad to hear I could stack additional scholarships on top of each other since I’m not sure how much Bright Futures covers. Overall, I can see myself feeling at home at Stetson. It would be a dream come true to become a Hatter!

Answer 1

I think maybe, the issue is the lack of emotional resonance, and the use of terms like “or anything”. Younger people tend to use these terms, and have less power in the emotional realm, at least when it comes to expressing themselves. So, maybe try lessening the terms that are flounce-y and deepen the emotional aspect of this essay, possibly? Just suggestions from an outside eye, good luck!