Question

Ok, I finished my story. What do you guys think?

Answer 1

Answer:

If you want the honest feedback, I got you. I was really good, but I have a few suggestions to make it sound more "official":

• Italicize sounds (i.e. change "Thud!" to Thud. in the second paragraph)
• Make sure formatting is reasonable and consistent: "1 month later" is too big, the title should be bigger and "Beanbag" is incorrect  (it's bean bag)
• Suspense would work very well in this story. I wouldn't reveal who the speaker is until the last paragraph or even last sentence. To do this, you can touch more on the emotional aspects of this story in the introduction and body paragraphs (no naming names, places, things, etc.) Make it abstract as you can to build up to the answers: Who is talking? What happened to them? Why do they feel this way? Things like that.
• Stop being so repetitive with words like "demon" (maybe substitute for "little devil" or "menace")
• I see the humorous aspect of this story, but I would make sure to not include too many spelling and grammar mistakes.

Sorry if my suggestions are a little too intense, but I can tell you are a good writer and can easily improve in these areas! Please let me know if this helps!