Question

Hi, could anyone help me proofread my work? This is an assignment so it would be greatly appreciated if you went all out with the critiques.
Employers today are not seeking individuals who can transcribe word for word and copy powerpoints. Instead, they are seeking individuals that can connect, socialise and cope with the events and people around them. Which makes it even more important that mobile phones should not be banned in schools. Students today need an education that helps them with our developing society. Which is where we educate students to adapt in an era where technology is inevitably always developing. Without our phones, momentous news can go pass us, and we will not even strike an eye.

Phones are a powerful tool that allows students to connect to real-time news. If students want to investigate what is happening as news updates, they have a chance to identify information which could end up impacting them. If there was a situation happening near school grounds, they could report to a teacher the impacting news. This is only because they have their phones that they can view this news. As everyone knows, political parties make more changes than the changing mood swings of teens. We can access all this information about what these leaders have to say from many new sources. Without the media and news platforms, we would be unable to know information coming from our society. Students will continue using their phones off school grounds, possible future education and in their day jobs. This is where schools can teach students to analyse the news which will impact them.

Phones not only offer news but prepares students for the future. There is no doubt phones are staying, which means we need to ensure students have their own independence. Students need to self-manage and by bringing up their bad habit of checking their phones every second we can implicate change. We should also teach them that their phone always waits for them and that they should spend it more time on the task presented to them. Others argue that notifications will cause distractions but the noise will always be around. No matter where students go they will have to find ways to cope and manage around noises. When phones are with them it can teach them to multitask. For instance, they need to communicate and find information, learning how to do both makes sure their time is well spent. For students to learn how to self-manage, cope and multi-task they are more independent and prepared for the future.

Phones offer links between students and their parents, which ensures their safety on and off school grounds. Rather than suggesting bans we should be discussing the support for students to use their phones. When there is a crisis student can text message or call in real time. This approach may be more flexible for them instead of face-to-face support with the fear of their judging peers. By making these support via phone students are more inclined to show more trust. 32% of 1411 people who took part in a survey said they used phone or web counselling before (yourtown, 2017). Furthermore, this change can also help many teachers as schools are very multicultural in Australia, there is not always going to be a translator there. When students use their phones, they can pass messages to their parents and ensure there are not any miscommunication with language barriers. Messages needed to be passed from home to school and vice-versa can be sent quickly with no confusions. Banning phones in schools would block students from accessing services and support of their families.

Some adults believe phones will worsen social skills as it will not allow students to communicate with each other. It is true, not having phones will help social skills, but is it necessary from a ban? The ban does not allow students to talk about what they are most interested in. There is no way knowing how students view our world or the events around them. When we spend time with our friends, we talk about the news that interest us and we learn from each other. The best thing we can do for students is to let them have their phones and use them, but we should teach them to be grateful for the things around them.

Most students have their own mobile phones and it is critical to teach them how to use their phones in a society like today. We most definitely know mobile phones play a significant role in supporting students lives. Teachers, parents and students have a role in order for this to work. This means there should be policies around the use of phones on school grounds. It is important for students to learn how to use their phones responsibly so they can be effective in the workforce. Is it not a time where we worked towards the future and not stay in the past?

Answer 1

Looks Great! A few critiques...
In paragraph 1 i think you spelled socialize wrong.
Are you taking this information from any sources?

if so, try using this to write you essays next time...
K-key idea
E- evidence -1
A- analyze evidence( give your thoughts
T-transition-( i.e.- Continuing on,
E- Evidence -2
A- analyze evidence
L- link the paragraph all together

it really helps to keep everything organized and consistent. For your introduction, try using a hook, a bridge , and finally a thesis. A thesis should ALWAYS be the last sentence in your intro paragraph.
For your conclusion start of with your thesis, go into your Main ideas of the essay, and then give something for the reader to think about (clincher)

Hopefully this helped!!