Compared to the dialogue that makes up most of the excerpt, which unfolds in real time, the paragraph below is fast paced, cover
ing many events into a very short passage. Write your own version of this paragraph, revising the pacing so that it unfolds more slowly and describes the scene with more details. As you write, remember to:
Flesh out scene the with effective word choice and vivid description
Using Effective Word Choice and Vivid Description
Choose specific words and avoid vague ones:
vague: he left
specific: he trotted off
vague: look
specific: glance
Choose details that help the appeal to the five senses:
a man’s voice, soft and deep
crisp, white dinner jacket
.
Maintain the style and tone that the author has established.
Use a variety of phrases and dependent clauses to slow down the pacing and add details.
A man’s voice beside her made her start and turn. She had noticed the speaker more than once amongst the first-class passengers. There had been a hint of mystery about him which had appealed to her imagination. He spoke to no one. If anyone spoke to him he was quick to rebuff the overture. Also he had a nervous way of looking over his shoulder with a swift, suspicious glance.
Answer: PLATO
Beside her a man’s voice, soft and deep, made her start and turn. She had noticed the speaker amongst the first-class passengers. In fact, she had caught herself staring at him more than once. Something intrigued her about the way he looked at ease lounging in his crisp white dinner jacket, yet he periodically cast nervous glances over his shoulder. The young woman had tried to sit next to him, hoping to engage him in a conversation. After all, he was closer to her in age than many of the other passengers, and he was obviously traveling alone. But no sooner had she sat down than he popped up and trotted away. And did she imagine things, or had two rather tough-looking men—definitely not first class—hurried after him? She resolved to tell him about those men when next she saw him. The next day she found him on deck, dressed elegantly in tennis whites, yet also stressed. But as she approached, a page handed him a message and he rushed up the grand staircase with the grace of a gazelle. After all of that, here he was, desperate to talk to her.
