See below for full paragraph.
Good evening!
First, I would like to thank everybody for being present and showing intrest.
Though, who would be disinterested? Who has not dreamt about coming one day face to face with a Martian? Well, tonight, your dream has come true! However, you may be disappointed that this incredible adventure did not turn us into little green creatures
Our quest as Humans' has always been to go faster, to go farther, and to conquer new territories. Our history bears so many extraordinary examples of what we have been able to achieve, including going to the Moon! Yet, going to Mars seemed to be the ultimate unreachable goal. It was tiring, yes, to survive in off-terrestrial conditions. And without my experiences in space, I would not be able to walk right now.
But this priceless journey has given our nation an invaluable title! As the commander of Ares 1, I cannot begin to tell you how honored to have been part of it and how proud I am to have planted the flag of our dear America on Mars!
Thank you.
Overall Preformance:
I would rate the original paragraph a 9/10. The sentence forming was great and the vocab was great. I loved the speech. The one minor problem I found was that I think you were trying to use your great vocab skills, but it did not really fit. (see below for info)
How to improve:
I was new to the english language and now i consider myself pretty good! I would highly recommend that you practice rewording.
For example instead of "Humans’ quest has always been to go faster, to go farther, and to conquer new territories. " I would start with our quest as humans. This is because we are humans living on planet Earth. When you did not, it sounded like you were from another land.
Also, I would recommend to refresh your brain on the concepts of perspective. Finally, I would recommend that you think "does the word fit in this sentence? "
Like in this sentence<em> " Who has not fantasized about coming one day face to face with a Martian?" </em>I would put the word "dreamt" because the next sentence says that the dream came true!
I really hope that this helps!
You did a Great Job!
