Answer:
Step 1
I seek to understand the other side before wanting to be understood.
Conflict resolution often goes in the wrong direction when people only focus on making the other side understand them.
If both sides only seek to be understood, there can’t be any constructive dialogue.
I try to tell the story of the conflict from the other side’s: What is their intention? What are their need/want? Where are they coming from?
**their = his or her.
Step 2
I identify the *real* Issues
Once I understand the other side, I can better assess what this conflict means to me:
I visualize the current state and the ideal situation. The gap between those two is the real issue. If there is no (foreseeable) gap for me, then there is no conflict for me.
But if there is a gap, I look for a pattern and the layers in the conflict. I ask why? at least 5 times to get to the core of the conflict.
Step 3
Seek the Win-Win situation
If I know what’s at the core of the issue and believe to have a good understanding of the other side, it’s now time to negotiate and find common ground.
My general approach to find the win-win situation is to kill the other side with kindness.
I first acknowledge their feelings and ask them if what I think they want is what they want. If I assessed the other side incorrectly, I listen and re-evaluate my understanding of their situation. If necessary, I apologize but never expected an apology in return.
In this negotiation I also make sure that I get what I want. The key to sustainable healthy relationships is to approach conflict resolution knowing and not loosing sight of exactly what you want. Please forget about ever resolving any issues with anyone if you don’t know what you want to get out of the interaction with other people.
At the end of the negotiation, I summarized what happened and reiterated what needs to happen in the future to avoid further conflict. If needed, I allow myself to be corrected. It’s very important for both sides to walk away feeling good about the conversation.
Step 4
Check and Adjust
Some conflicts might appeared solved, but as variables change, there might be new negotiations needed to re-adjust the win-win situation.
Also one must contemplate that not every conflict is meant to be solved because not every conflict has a real impact or because its resolution is not important to one of the sides.
It takes two to not only to tango but to create and resolve conflict.
