Question

Worth 22 points Is this business paper good for my school project on writing a business paper? and what grade will i recieve. I will report if anyone goofs off I need to know. here is my paper:
To: Hellmann’s
The company, Hellmann’s. Noroad Rd, address 0000, and zip code located in a lot of different places.

Dear: Hellmann’s the food company

I am probably your biggest fan. That is because of your mayonnaise anyway. But I have an issue with the mayonnaise, it has eggs in it which I am allergic to. It also contains tons of carbohydrates which are bad for everything including your heart, some people even say that a spoon of mayonnaise puts a layer around your heart whether that is true or not I don’t know. However what I do know is that it gets into your arteries and clogs them making it similar to butter, and not brushing your teeth because the plaque gets into your arteries as well as butter. That is where I would help by improving the mayonnaise and make it healthier which in terms would help get more money for the production. So before you pitch this email out please consider my résumé. There are more reasons below in the second paragraphs


Here are a few more reasons I think I would be the best person to hire because I would find a way to take most of the carbohydrates out and make it so it does not clog arteries. I would also find a way to take the eggs out and find a substitute for people who are allergic to eggs like me. I could also make the mayonnaise taste the same as the normal stuff does but it would be a lot healthier. Therefore people would be able to eat it in large quantities without clogging arteries. But until then, this letter is a complaint letting you know what you should change and how you should hire me. Thank you for your time and have a great Christmas season.

Answer 1

Looks Good. I Would Check Your Punctuation And Spelling Once More. I Would Also Include What You Like About Their Food/Company, Because They Won't Hire You If All You Talk About Is How Their Food Sucks, And Why They Should Hire You, Because They Won't Want To Hire Someone Who Always Criticizes Their Product. Include Some Good, And Some Bad. other Than That, Looks Really Good! Great Job!

Answer 2

I wouldnt add the food company to the dear hellmans part.. but otherwise i think you did a great job and you should receive an a as long as you included everything youre teacher told you to. oh and you might want to look over it and add a comma in some places so it doesnt look like run on sentences.

on your second paragraph i would say " here are a few more reasons why i think i would be the best person for you to hire" and take out the because and start a new sentence explaining why. where youre talking about eggs i would say "find a substitue for people like me who are allergic to eggs. or maybe add a comma after the eggs.

You should also add a comma after therefore

id also change your second to last sentence to But until then, this letter is a suggestion on what you should change and why (not how) you should consider hiring me.