It’s a bad example because a lot of negative things can turn into positive things depending on wish we look at it and yes life isn’t fair sometimes but sometimes life is incredible beautiful and so magical that it’s worth some parts of life that aren’t fair
Okay. So. First of all, rlly nice story =D I'm glad you got what you wanted. Now, to the point.. at first, I started to list every point where i thought you can change, but to be honest, and i mean no offense when i say this, but i think itll take me a very long time and a printed out version to mark it up so i think ill jjust give u a couple of tips. I hope they help.
- you dont exactly have any main idea going... only after reading the entire thing did i understand what "the battle" was and why you were anxious to get the results. you should clarify in the beginning what it is youre talking abt. a sentence like " Sixth grade had just started, and already I had begun to lose focus. My brain seemed to constantly drift towards other, more important things; like the upcoming custody battle between my parents over my brother and I."
-dont use the same word over and over again. try not to use it more than twice in one paragraph, it becomes repetitive, and a little annoying to read. An example: '<span>That battle was cemented in my head, all I could do was think about that battle.', I would change the second "battle" to "it"... you can do the same to other sentences, just look up synonyms and replce them, itll mean the same thing.
- Also, words like "socializing" might be too strong a word to use.... you can put 'talking' lol... its important to remember that you dont always have to use big words, and especially when youre writing a personal narrative, you should stick to ones you use on a day to day basis... save the big ones for formal essays :)
- the tenses seem to change throughout the story.... you start out correctly. in the past tense, and then u use a verb in the future tense, such as "will happen"
- don't add details you dont need or dont support the main idea... like the part about forgetting your brother. its just a side detail. or u can change how u introduce that detail. instead of the two or three sentences about forgetting him, u can just write " I was so anxious and excited to find out what the results were that i forgot to pick up my younger brother on my way back home from school, and ended up having to go all the way back to get him, prolonging the suspense."
If you want more specific details on where to change exactly what, i suggest you go to someone in person, they might be able to help you more. Best of luck! </span>
Women were not working on ranches, instead they were seen as slaves to men. Everyone is racist towards Crooks because no one is willing to spend time with him due to the color of his skin.Crooks is also separated from the rest of the ranch hands because of segregation and not because he has done anything wrong. Candy is discriminated due to his age. Lenny is discriminated because he is intellectually impaired.
<span>The others see him as less of a person
I think thats just about it!</span>
C) "This data is totally useless and doesn't help us at all in solving the problem."
