Question

Phones have been around for a while now and they keep getting smarter and smarter. Phones have helped us human in a lot of ways, but are they really helping us... or hurting us.
Phones are being made better. Martin copper was the first person to make a portable phone, Without wires and it was put on the market in 1983. At this time AT&T was the first cellular service that the phone used.
They are super portable now and the new phones can fit in your pocket without it getting stuck. They can also be tracked by parents and they can now see where their kid is at all times to make sure they're not getting in trouble.
They are also a distraction and children and teens tend to not care about important events or their family. Teens also constantly want to stay up to date with their devices so parents keep buying new phones.
Inconclusion, phones have done many things to help us and are getting smarter so it's easier to use but are also become a habit that our generation is having a hard time breaking.

How can I revise this to make my essay better? (other than making it 20 times longer)

Answer 1

I thought it was good maybe not use the word also so much

Answer 2

Many check for run on sentences and change the structure of some of your sentences. I thought it was good but maybe use a thesaurus and look up some other words and also look up different transition words besides also