Hi I think you did a pretty good job on this, but as you know nothing is perfect!
I would recommend adding more transitions, ending it with something more special, use more advanced words than the basic ones, more parallelism and have a better intro but overall I think it's very lovely.
Also you could say something like "Today, I would like to thank all those incredible people who have helped me become who I am today and show my gratitude through this small essay/or whatever.
I cant answer the question if i dont know what the theme is so could you tell me what it is
