I would love to see more descriptive words! Phrases such as, "I was so hungry that I swear I started digesting myself" may be helpful, as you want to keep your reader captivated! Instead of including the lyrics of the song, I suggest just stating that he sang the entire song, as this takes up valuable space. Instead of describing the song, try describing what the narrator feels. Perhaps her heart is "fluttering with joy," and his hair is "swaying like a dove's feathers in flight". Otherwise, I enjoyed this excerpt!
Brother I should attend this school class so I can learn new thing/stuff and get educated and become some thing in life and earn to good will for you and parents and we will buy a new big house
