Okay, here’s what I’ll do for you. I’ll answer your questions in a few words, and I want you to make sure the answers are longer than the ones I give you. 1) This paragraph does not flow at all. 2) The rhythm is very choppy. 3) The most important ideas are when she moves to the West Coast because it gives more detail on her life. The least important is her childhood and how she is brought up because it hardly talks about it. 4) The ideas aren’t well connected because it just states facts and doesn’t expand on them. 5) The relationship is basically what ever happened next in her life, no detail. 6) I would add more detail and make the sentences less choppy. This should help you rewrite the paragraph.
