Sometimes I wonder what makes others think that different people aren't okay. Sometimes I stress over what people think when I don't need to. But it's hard not to think, what if I didn't care? What if I took a deep breath and said ’Hey I am who I am, who cares about their thoughts?’ Yet, instead, I stand full of tension and think of ways to fix myself. But I stare and say nothing because I was raised ’Kids are seen and not hear’ I'm not technically a kid, but to other people, I may be a kid. So I stop and think about getting consumed in my thoughts which stresses me out because now I'm not ’social’ enough or I'm not being ’real’. And it stresses me to the point I fear I might break. But then I stay silent, look at the people who love me, and notice that I'm not a problem. The real problem is them and them not wanting others to notice their flaws. I am who I am and I don't need to stress about others trying to change me. It's hard to think about what others see. On my mind rests a small bug, a friend of mine who is slowly going insane as they feel depressed about who they are. Why do they need to change? I'm always the ’marshmallow’ that sits and listens. I'm basically the emotional support dog, no ones there for me but I'm always there for you. When you call I'm by your side, when you weep I wipe your tears, when you need a hug I'm your pillow. I'm just always there at all hours. I don't eat a lot because when you need food I give it away. When you need someone for your three am break down I'm on the phone. Everyone takes but when is someone going to give? No. I don't need a whole day, just give me five minutes, please sometimes I feel I have to beg, I must have to if no one ever listens to my pleads. Am I not enough? I this what people call toxic? How can I get myself out of this? How can I make everyone feel okay without messing my entire life up in one shot? There isn't an answer I suppose, and there might not ever be one. So stress will consume every part of me and fuel my broken tearful grin, you know the one I show everyone so they can take the hint that never understand? But I suppose that's how life rolls, it shoves you down then kicks you in the teeth, you're nothing but it's little plaything. But in the end that's all you want, because you love the pain sometimes, so much it hurts more than the days sometimes weeks without sleep, the days you've gone without eating. Or even the hits you let your friends throw at you, simply because you knew it would make them ’feel better’. You take it all and say nothing, you just give a soft smile and hope someone, anyone will see right through it and call you out. Until then you wait in silence and let the rage consume you. You have silent thoughts of harm by never acting upon them. You know you may be in a toxic relationship but it would screw their entire world up if you leave. You try so hard, so often that sometimes you just wanna lay down and drift to sleep, but you don't, instead, you chug your coffee and smile, you hug the mug and keep listening and keep being there. Because they OWN you. But by the end of high school you'll notice, no one owns you, you're okay and you write your own story. And sometimes, you'll write those people off completely
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